This is the normal stages a person goes through in a marriage, unfortunately in this modern times, not many marriages survive to the 4th stage. Many couples choose to go their separate ways rather than work things out as people often prefer to take the easier route than the tough one.
I will share with you my experience in these four different stages of my life.
Singlehood
A time when I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want without needing to report or seek permission from anyone (I am talking about being an adult).
In 10 years I was in 3 serious relationships the longest being 5 years long with only less than a month in between. It wasn’t because I was looking out to jump back into a relationship everytime one had ended, it was because after one had ended, another guy would just come along so I didn’t have the opportunity to enjoy singlehood long enough to appreciate the freedom that comes to being a single.
However, God gave me the priviledge to enjoy singlehood for 1 solid year before I met Vince. You see, my ex broke up with me on Christmas eve in 2005. Though I was devastated, with love and support from my family I picked myself up and became the victor. Though a little lonely at times, I enjoyed my singlehood. I would tell God I will not go around looking for a man, I asked God that if He has put someone on this earth for me, to bring him to me instead and I leave the choice to Him.
So as you may have read our story, our very first date was on Christmas eve 2006. I cherish the 1 year singlehood the Lord gave me in preparation for my vocation as a wife to Vincent.
Couplehood
The beginning of a new relationship is always beautiful, each is unique and special. We usually are drawn to the opposite sex first on the physical appearance then the other things that follow.
When I saw Vince picture on Friendster, I thought “this guy not bad looking, quite attractive, wonder what he will think of me”. Of course we all put up our best picture on our profile to attract people and so when we started chatting online, I find that this guy could be a prospect for the most important was I felt comfortable with him and I can be who I am, not needing to put on a mask and be someone I am not or have the pressure to impress him.
One may be good friends online as they say it is easier to chat with a stranger than someone you know and I was afraid of meeting him face to face for fear of “what ifs” - what if we don’t meet our expectations when we meet each other (the picture we paint the other to be when we chat online)? what if he is not as charming as he is in real person than he is online?, etc……Well, what can I say, FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real, when God’s hand is in it, you can bet He won’t disappoint you.
Engagement
Engagement is a way of bringing the relationship to the next level. This is when the relationship is at a more serious and deeper level. Most people are engaged to each other for 6 months to 1 year before they tie the knot.
Vince and I got engaged within less than a month from our first date. It is not that he booked the whole restaurant and proposed to me on one knee holding a diamond ring in his hand and a bouquet of flowers on the other hand with a violinist playing romantic music at the background, nor did he spend thousands of dollars by proposing to me through a billboard in the middle of a busy highway. Those are DREAM proposals.
He caught me off guard over the dinner table saying, “Jo, let’s get married. You know we are not that young anymore so let’s just do it.” I was dumbfounded, didn’t know how to react I said, “Are you crazy, isn’t too soon, we hardly know each other……” He was persistent that we should get married. We went back to his house and he announced to his parents who were as shock as I was, his sister though was supportive.
I didn’t tell my parents immediately. We planned it in a way that Vince will take my dad out for a drink and ask him for my hand in marriage. I remember my dad was confused when Vince asked him out for a drink, just the two of them and boy I was nervous the entire time they were out. My mom asked me what is going on, I say “I am not sure la.”
And so, Vince has my dad’s approval.
Till Death Do Us Part
That is what we will proclaim at the altar, in front of God, Christ and the Holy Spirit witness by our family and friends on 9 August 2008. This vow is not the happily ever after kind of fairy tale. Marriage in the real world requires a lot of work.
It is said that the first year of marriage is the toughest because it is when the couple learns how to live with each other under the same roof. Even though a couple has been living together before marriage, they will still face challenges when they are married because the boundaries has changed, now the couple are to be more committed to make the marriage and not the relationship work.
We attended the pre-marital counseling, it was informational and all yet nothing beats experiencing those struggles and challenges first hand. Usually when it is more than 1, it is bound to be complicated. Many times, it is a wonder why people go through the heartache and frustration being in a marriage, perhaps it is because we are called to be fruitful and multiply yet it wasn’t written that marriage is going to be an easy route.
We may see a couple outwardly, they are loving towards each other and how we long to be like them; in reality, they have their own sets of problems which we don’t see and perhaps their problems are more challenging and complicated than ours. Therefore, be thankful for what we have for the grass could be greener on our side then we realize.
The lesson is while each person has their own boundaries, each has to compromise in order for the marriage to work. When a husband and wife is in agreement about something and ask God for it, and if it is God’s will for them, He will answer them indefinitely. This does not only increase their faith in Him, the couple then with His blessing will go on to bless others and therefore He will be glorified.
